Beautifully Toxic Read online

  Theo didn’t even need to think about Declan’s warning. “I don’t expect anything at all.” He really didn’t. Declan didn’t know him. No one had ever loved him or wanted him. Jessie had already given him more than anyone else ever had. Every day was just icing at this point.

  Declan nodded. “I know and yet Jessie will still probably break your heart. If you decide you want me to carry him down the hall, just call my cell. I don’t really sleep anyhow.”

  “Okay. Goodnight.”

  With a nod, Declan started away before stopping and focusing on Theo once more. “By the way, thank you for asking about Ezra. No one ever does.” Before Theo could think of a way to respond, Declan disappeared down the hall.

  With a shake of his head, Theo went back to staring at Jessie. He traced the shell of Jessie’s ear and then tucked his hair behind it. “What a strange group you all are. I’ve never seen a house so filled with love that no one acknowledges. How sad.” Luckily for them, Theo had tons of love too and no one to share it with. He would add his to the mix. Maybe the weight of his affection would be enough to finally have everyone speaking their minds. He could hope. Theo smiled at the dream. One day, someone would love him too. When that day came, Theo swore he wouldn’t be silent. In fact, he might never shut up again.

  Five

  Jessie couldn’t stay away from Theo. He found himself arranging his entire day around the guy. First, they worked on getting him set up with a doctor in L.A. Then Jessie taught Theo how to drive and helped him get his license. The more he watched Theo grow, the more Jessie wanted to be a part of every aspect of his life. Considering the way everyone left them alone a majority of the time, Theo seemed to be the only one who didn’t realize Jessie was falling sickeningly in love with Theo.

  As per what was becoming habit, everyone made themselves scarce after dinner, leaving Jessie to have Theo to himself.

  Theo eyed the empty kitchen. “Declan decided to go out again, I take it.”

  Jessie nodded. His head felt a little loose on his shoulders. He had admittedly taken a bit too many pills today. It was the only way he could deal with being alone with Theo and not pouncing. At least, that was what he was telling himself these days. “It’s just you and me. What would you like to do?”

  Theo shrugged. “You haven’t been in your studio for a while. I could listen to you play or we could watch a movie.”

  “Let’s watch a movie.” That way, he could hold Theo on the couch.

  “Lead the way,” Theo said, motioning in the direction of the theater room. “You get to pick this time.”

  “That’s cool. I’m good at picking stuff.”

  The way Theo smiled made the idiotic claim worthwhile. Jessie waited for Theo to sit so he could fill the spot beside him, sitting as close as possible. With the lights off, he fumbled with the remote before firing the huge screen to life. He searched genres and picked a horror movie. The moment the opening scene began, Jessie draped his arm across Theo’s shoulders and settled in. At first, Theo felt stiff in his hold. After a few minutes passed, Jessie felt Theo relax. A few minutes more and Theo’s hand moved to rest on Jessie’s thigh. Jessie made it five minutes longer before he found himself reclining the loveseat and tugging Theo onto his lap so he could hold him properly. He swore he meant to stop there. For a few minutes, he genuinely tried to behave. But then his lips skimmed Theo’s shoulder. Theo felt too damn good with his back settled against Jessie’s chest and ass resting in the perfect spot. They had been spending too much time together. The desire had grown too big.

  Jessie’s arms tightened around Theo. He tried to make himself stop, but reality got a little harder to hold on to by the second. Jessie didn’t imagine he would hold on to consciousness much longer and he wanted to touch Theo. His lips moved to Theo’s neck. Jessie’s tongue shot out. Theo squirmed in Jessie’s lap. The air thickened. Jessie’s hand moved without thought. The tips of his fingers slipped inside the waistband of the thin workout shorts Theo wore. Jessie’s teeth sank into Theo’s neck in a light nip. Theo whimpered. Jessie lost the ability to breathe properly. He had to know if Theo was hard for him. Jessie shoved his hand inside Theo’s shorts. A breath that sounded ragged even to his ears burst from him when he found Theo not only hard but leaking. He didn’t know anything but desire in that moment. With one hand cupping Theo’s throat and the other massaging Theo’s dick, Jessie sucked and licked Theo’s neck and shoulder—like he wouldn’t be forced to answer for this later. Theo squirmed in his lap, writhing against Jessie’s palm. The room spun and Jessie leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He kept playing, feeling up Theo’s balls and toying with his cock. Theo was so hard yet so soft and the different textures were feeding Jessie’s high. Jessie felt good—like he floated on a cloud with a weighted blanket draped over him. His body grew heavier until he couldn’t feel a thing and darkness swallowed him.

  Theo’s entire body was on fire. He didn’t understand how it happened. One moment, he had been trying to work up the nerve to set his hand on Jessie’s thigh. The next, he was in Jessie’s arms getting pleasured. He was half a second away from blowing in Jessie’s hand when Jessie went limp. Theo’s first reaction was fear. He scrambled to check Jessie for a pulse. When he found Jessie’s heart beating steady, the aggravation hit. He was so close. So fucking close. His cock twitched, begging for more pets. Theo couldn’t ignore it. He was too close to the edge.

  Theo slipped from the couch and rushed to his room. With the door locked and shut behind him, Theo shoved down his shorts and fisted his cock. He closed his eyes and tried clinging to the wisps of Jessie’s touch. Damn, he wanted Jessie so much, it physically hurt. He stroked and squeezed while picturing Jessie doing the same. With one hand braced against the closed door, Theo leaned into it, stroking and thrusting against his palm. Pressure climbed his erection and beat against his crown. Theo pumped hard and fast, racing toward release. His muscles tensed. Theo held his breath. A loud gasp burst from his lungs as cum shot from his dick and nearly buckled his knees. Jessie’s name rang out in his mind. Theo’s eyes stung. He wanted to coat Jessie’s body in his cum. Theo wanted Jessie to kiss him while sober and lucid—when he would remember doing it. He wanted Jessie to come to bed with him willingly and openly. Without shame. Theo wanted to be kissed in the morning when Jessie’s eyes were clear of chemical influences. He craved being special. Loved.

  Theo stared at the mess he had made and sucked air. He felt empty. Theo wasn’t stupid. He knew Jessie would never touch him sober. It was only when Jessie was out of his head and could no longer distinguish one body from another that he wanted Theo. Theo wasn’t special; he was convenient. The saddest part of this was that Theo didn’t care. Tomorrow night, he would patiently wait for Jessie’s guard to drop again. He would be at the ready to be touched. That was how far he had fallen when it came to Jessie. Theo would take Jessie’s inebriated caresses over a sober man’s hands any day. Even high, Jessie was the one Theo wanted. Theo already knew that probably wouldn’t change. He was as he had always been—pathetic.

  Six

  There had been another blond sneaking away from the bedroom next door when Theo tried to leave his room. That was why Theo spent the day hiding. He was licking his wounds. Theo was hurt and humiliated. Each time he thought about racing back to his room to jerk off, he wanted to die. Sometimes, he wondered if Jessie faked unconsciousness to get rid of Theo so he could call up some experienced regular to fuck him. Theo was tired of being this way. He was exhausted with his innocence and his fragile heart. He wanted to be confident and sexy. Theo wished he could storm Jessie’s bedroom and demand he be the one Jessie took to bed. His blood boiled at the idea of another goddamn person sharing Jessie’s body. It was bullshit. Theo was right here, silently loving him.

  It wasn’t until the sky darkened and Theo’s stomach growled in protest that Theo ventured from his room. The house was eerily silent. Theo stood at the counter and ate a sandwich in the otherwise empty kitchen wh
ile trying not to think. Unfortunately, the longer he stood there, the less he wanted to be alone. Fucking Jessie. Theo was too levelheaded when it came to him. He realized they weren’t together. Jessie didn’t owe him anything. They weren’t a couple. Jessie had already given him more than anyone else alive. Theo needed to be happy with that and stop expecting Jessie to fall in love. Hell, Theo didn’t have anything to offer. He was no prize. Jessie had taken him in and given him everything. Theo needed to suck it up and recognize Jessie would never be his. The man was too far above him.

  With that depressing thought, Theo’s appetite fled. He set his half-eaten sandwich aside and wiped his hands on his pants. Johnny—a nightshift guard Theo rarely saw—came through the door. He flashed Theo a smile on his way to the fridge. As Theo looked on, he grabbed a bottle of water and a small bag of peanuts they kept on hand just for him. As he headed back toward the door, Theo broke.

  “Have you seen Jessie?”

  Johnny paused at the question. He pushed his long blond hair out of his eyes as his light brown eyes moved Theo’s way. “Yeah. About an hour ago. He was working in his studio.”

  Theo smiled. “Thank you.”

  With a nod, he headed back out, leaving Theo alone.

  Theo took a breath. He needed to get over this. There was no time like the present. He headed for the studio. As he neared, Theo expected to hear music pouring out of the open door, but only silence met him. His steps slowed. He peeked inside. Jessie sat on the floor with two empty whiskey bottles and a half full one opened at his hip. Theo rapped his knuckles lightly on the door, announcing his presence.

  Jessie’s chin jerked up from whatever he was looking at on the papers in his lap. A sweet smile touched his lips at the sight of Theo. “Hey, baby. Where you been all day?”

  Theo fought a wince. “Hanging out by myself.”

  Jessie visibly swallowed. “Did I do something to upset you?”

  Theo’s feelings immediately stopped mattering. He rushed to join Jessie on the floor. “No. Not at all. I was just having a pity party. You know, playing around online and trying to figure out my future.”

  A deep line appeared between Jessie’s eyebrows. “Are you unhappy here with me?”

  Jessie sounded so adorably hurt that Theo forgot every reason he had avoided him. “I’m very happy here, but I know I can’t stay here forever. Eventually, I’ll have to make my own way. I don’t know how to do that. Honestly, I don’t know how to do anything.” The depression was back with that confession. He shook his head, hoping to shake off another bout of depression. “What are you working on?”

  Jessie pulled a pained face. “I was trying to write a new song. A lot of words are flowing, but they aren’t forming what I need.”

  “You write songs too?” Theo never stopped being blown away by Jessie. He was the brightly burning star that Declan accused him of being. His talent was blinding.

  Jessie nodded. “I wrote all the songs and music for Malice Abyss. Songs used to just flow from me onto paper. Honestly, I’ve made more money from songwriting than anything. Now, there’s nothing in my brain. I’m empty.”

  Theo’s throat nearly swelled closed at the way Jessie proclaimed his emptiness. His words felt deeper than just no songs flowing—like he was dead inside. Theo crossed his legs and settled in. He couldn’t let Jessie feel this way alone. “Tell me how I can help. How can I inspire you?”

  Jessie took a swig from his open bottle as he stared at Theo. Theo’s skin tightened at the heat in his stare. His intensity had chills running down Theo’s spine. He felt wanted. Jessie had never looked at him like this, so directly. His kisses usually came in a sneak attack. This was different. This was how Jessie looked at people before he fucked them. Theo felt that all the way to his soul. “Tell me how you like to get fucked. Spare no details.”

  The breath left Theo. Jessie’s words were an instant inferno, burning Theo alive. His mouth went dry. The truth slipped out while his brain was otherwise occupied. “I wouldn’t know. I’m a virgin.”

  Jessie blinked. His entire demeanor shifted. Theo swore he heard a door inside Jessie slam against him, making it even harder for Theo to breathe.

  When he didn’t respond, Theo’s nerves set in. He rubbed his hands on his thighs and licked his rapidly drying lips. “You could always change that, though. I imagine, in your years of fame, you’ve probably slept with thousands of people.”

  “That’s a bit extreme,” Jessie said, breaking his silence.

  Theo ignored Jessie’s interjection. “What I meant is, you probably have a ridiculous amount of experience.” God help him. Theo couldn’t stop. Jessie had snapped his brain by finally looking at him like he wanted to fuck him. “You could ease me into things, or whatever.” By the time Theo finished his barely comprehensible babbling, Jessie looked extremely sober and closed to any suggestions from Theo.

  “No.”

  Theo fought a wince. The sting of rejection made it hard to breathe. It was a familiar feeling for Theo. “Okay. I guess...” Theo rubbed his thighs again, fighting an oncoming panic attack. The walls were closing in. “I guess Grindr it is,” he said with a forced laugh. Theo jumped to his feet. “I’m going to head back to my room and jump back on the internet. Gotta figure out my life, you know, and you need to get back to work.”

  “Don’t you dare download that app, Theo. Stay here with me.”

  No matter how hard he tried, Theo couldn’t meet Jessie’s gaze. He forced a carefree smile to his face that was so brittle, Theo scared himself. “Don’t worry about me. It was a dumb idea. You would never want someone like me. I’m just a charity case you took in. I’m nobody at all.”

  “Theo.” Jessie sounded exasperated.

  Theo headed for the door without looking back. He already felt like a dumbass who had overstayed his welcome. Theo would never be able to look Jessie in the eye again after tonight. He felt like a goddamn loser. He was, but fuck. Jessie would sleep with anyone and everyone but him. Theo would always be Jessie’s rescue pet. While Theo would always be grateful for everything Jessie had done for him, he couldn’t spend another night under Jessie’s roof. He couldn’t handle the longing and unrequited ache in his gut. Maybe he was dumb as hell, but Theo was in love with Jessie. Jessie would never feel the same. The biggest way Theo could show his appreciation for everything Jessie had done for him was to get out of his hair. So Theo would set him free.

  The moment he was back inside his room, Theo locked the door and got to work. He had lived on the streets once. Theo could do it again. He quickly changed clothes, dressing warm enough for a night under the stars. Theo didn’t want to take any of the things Jessie had given him, but he couldn’t completely avoid it. He would leave the expensive stuff. The laptop and phone. His necklace. Only the clothes on his back and what toiletries he could fit in his backpack would come along for the ride. If Theo ever got settled and found a job, he would send Jessie some money for the clothes. With nothing left to do, Theo turned in a slow circle and eyed the beautiful life Jessie had given him. His throat swelled. This place hadn’t been free. It had cost him his heart and soul. Those had been the only things Theo had left when Jessie rescued him. Now he had nothing.

  Theo took a breath. He had nothing left to lose, then. Theo headed for the window. He couldn’t go out the door and risk being seen. If anyone stopped him and called for Jessie, Theo might not stand against Jessie asking him to stay. He couldn’t do that. Theo wouldn’t survive another morning of seeing a different guy leaving Jessie’s room. After a cursory glance, Theo pried open the window. It was only a short drop. He easily climbed out. Since he didn’t want anyone else coming in behind him, Theo worked at closing the window before taking off. He stuck to the shadows—the way he had done coming onto the property that first night. There was a tall fence along the line of Jessie’s property, but the black metal bars were wide enough for someone starved to squeeze through. Jessie had been feeding Theo too good these past few months. He could
n’t get through any longer. With no other options left to him, Theo followed the line of the fence until he reached the mouth of the driveway. The gates were open. Theo ran out. He made it half a mile before any cars passed. The first one that did immediately whipped to the side of the road. A groan rose in his throat. It was Ezra.

  Ezra rolled down his window and waited.

  Theo dropped his chin and sighed. There was no escaping this. He made his way to Ezra’s side.

  Ezra sat with his arms crossed and looking annoyed. “What are you doing?”

  Theo’s shoulders squared. “I’m leaving.”

  Ezra’s hands fell to his lap. He stared up at Theo with hurt etching his features. “Why? I thought you cared about us.”

  Defeat washed over Theo. His eyes fell closed. “I love you a lot.” Theo’s voice cracked on the confession. His heartbreak was barely held in check. “You’re my family, but I can’t stay here anymore.”

  For a moment, Ezra eyed him in silence. Theo swore in that moment he felt Ezra’s understanding. “Where will you go?”

  Theo smiled at Ezra’s obvious concern. He was such a nice person. It was like Jessie and Ezra were two sides of the same coin. They had enough similar features that Theo couldn’t say they were too different to be related. But really, they were nothing alike. Theo shrugged. “I’ve lived on the streets before. It’s no big deal for me to go back.”

  Ezra shook his head. His features hardened as much as someone as sweet as him could pull off. “Nope. I’m not having it. You’re family now. Let’s go back and grab the rest of your things. You’ll stay with me.”