Beautifully Toxic Read online

  Jessie’s throat swelled. His mind latched on to one detail and churned furiously with it. They returned me with only the clothes on my back. Like an unwanted item from the store or a puppy that hadn’t worked out. Jessie wanted to find these people and destroy them. Theo was a person and he had been reduced to a returnable item. The amount of rage Jessie felt at the tolerant way Theo talked about the inhumane manner he had been treated doubled Jessie’s rage. Theo accepted his abuse like it was Tuesday. It took every ounce of Jessie’s willpower not to explode like a psychopath. He kept twirling his drumsticks, trying to focus on anything else. An idea hit.

  “We should get Declan to take us to a comic book store.”

  Theo flashed him a sweet smile. “That’s okay. I don’t have any money. I’d rather hear you play instead.”

  His mind whirled. He would have to find a way to give Theo some money without hurting his pride. For now, he let it drop. “If that’s what you’d like.” Jessie headed for his favorite drum set. He pointed one stick toward the panel on the left. “Hit that green button at the top. Then spin that black dial at the bottom.” While Jessie settled behind the drums, Theo moved to sit at the panel and did as told. A guitar solo filled the air. Jessie tapped his foot. The music flowed through him. He matched the beat without thought. It was as automatic as breathing for Jessie. Familiar vocals joined in and Jessie was gone. He disappeared inside the music—his real home. Jessie was back on stage. He swore he could feel the roar of the crowd. His motions never wavered. It was an art. The song changed. The beat slowed, transitioning into one of the band’s most popular love songs. It was heartbreak and loss. Tragedy. Jessie felt each chord in his soul. Then his gaze met Theo’s and he was back in reality. Jessie played for Theo and Theo alone. They were connected. Theo looked enthralled—like Jessie had swept him into the same escape Jessie had enjoyed for a moment. Realization struck like lightning. Jessie wanted to sweep Theo away. He wanted to show Theo the world. He needed Theo to smile and mean it. Maybe his intentions had been pure when he had taken Theo in, but they weren’t anymore. There was nothing pure about the way he felt with Theo watching him now. That was exactly why he needed to stop.

  “When is your birthday?”

  Theo rapidly blinked at Jessie’s jump from playing the drums to being done in an instant. “It was a month ago. You’re insanely talented. I’m not surprised you got famous.”

  Jessie ignored the compliment. “If your birthday was a month ago, I missed getting you a gift.”

  A humorless smile touched Theo’s lips. “You didn’t know me a month ago.”

  “So?”

  “So what?” Theo asked when Jessie didn’t say more.

  “What do you want for your birthday?” Jessie killed the music, giving Theo time to think.

  “I don’t want anything.”

  Jessie rolled his eyes. He took Theo’s hands and pulled him to his feet. “Everyone wants something. What do you want?”

  An uncomfortable-sounding laugh burst from Theo. “Nothing. I’m good. Plus, you gave me a phone and laptop last night. You’ve already done too much for me.”

  “Those weren’t presents. They were necessities.” Jessie’s head spun. He rubbed his eyes. “Fuck.” He dug a pill from his pocket and swallowed it without water. “Let’s get Declan. We’re going to get you a gift.”

  Theo tried arguing, but Jessie walked away. He wasn’t hearing it. Theo was good. He deserved nice things. Jessie wouldn’t return him like those scumbags who adopted him. Theo had a new family here. Jessie could buy him things. “Woot. Woot,” Jessie yelled as loud as he could, making sure Declan knew they were headed out and needed to get his shit together. Jessie wasn’t known for his patience.

  “I’m coming,” Declan growled, stumbling down the hall. Jessie didn’t feel guilty. He paid a lot of money for Declan to be at his beck and call twenty-four hours a day. “Where we headed?” Declan asked as he stamped into a pair of worn work boots.

  “We missed Theo’s birthday. He has to pick out a gift.”

  “I don’t really want anything,” Theo muttered behind him, sounding despondent.

  “Chin up, baby. You’re getting a present. I’d drive you myself, but I haven’t been sober since before you were born.”

  Jessie wasn’t satisfied until everyone had their shoes on and were loaded into the black Mercedes-AMG G63 they took everywhere.

  “Where are we headed?” Declan asked again as he pulled from the garage.

  Theo looked determined to stay quiet.

  “Fine. You’ll get what you’re getting, then. Pick up Ezra. We’re going to dinner. I need time to think of the perfect present.”

  “Ezra’s it is.”

  Jessie nodded. He would give Theo the perfect birthday whether the boy liked it or not. One of them should be happy. In the ten-minute drive to Ezra’s, Jessie stared at Theo’s profile. He was pretty. Pretty boys deserved pretty things.

  “You look like music.”

  Theo glanced his way. Laughter swam in his eyes. “What?”

  “Music,” Jessie repeated. “Like you could make music. You’ll see.”

  Theo shook his head. It was obvious Jessie confused him.

  Jessie knew, though. “Stop by Touch of Gold. I know what to get.”

  Declan changed lanes and turned at the light. “I think they close in like five minutes.”

  Jessie wasn’t worried. “Five minutes is all I need. I know exactly what I want.” Theo looked at him with raised eyebrows. Jessie wagged his finger at him. “Nope. You have to wait.” Jessie dug his pills from his pocket. “Did I take this?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Not that it matters.” He popped another pill as Declan screeched to a halt in front of Touch of Gold. Jessie tossed Theo a quick glance. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” Jessie leapt from the SUV and headed inside with Declan following closely behind. He focused on the first salesman he saw. “I need a necklace.”

  The guy shook his head, as if shaking off his shock at the sight of Jessie. Jessie was used to that reaction. Unlike Theo’s first reaction to meeting him. He genuinely hadn’t known who Jessie was when they met. Jessie fought a smile and forced himself to focus on the salesman’s words. “Of course, Mr. Thunder. What did you have in mind?”

  Jessie made a dismissive motion. At least, he thought he did. Declan jumped back a foot as if he had almost gotten hit. Jessie ignored him. “It’s just Jessie. Gold, high quality, durable, and with a musical note charm.”

  “Nice.” At Declan’s claim, Jessie flashed him a smile.

  “I have the perfect thing,” the salesman said, moving to unlock a nearby display case. He pulled out a gold chain with a music note hanging from it.

  Jessie leaned close and eyed the necklace. It was perfect. The chain was long enough it wouldn’t choke Theo, and thick enough it wouldn’t break easily. Yet, it was thin enough to look amazing against Theo’s skin. A smile stretched Jessie’s lips. “Yep. That’s it.” He dug for his wallet and pulled out a black card. Jessie passed it the guy’s way.

  “Do you need a box?”

  Jessie shook his head. “Just ring me up and I’ll get out of your hair.”

  With the receipt signed, Jessie headed back out to where he had left Theo. Rather than climbing inside, he circled the SUV and opened Theo’s door. Theo blinked at him like he had lost his mind. Then his gaze landed on the necklace Jessie held. His lips parted in surprise.

  Jessie motioned for Theo to lean forward. “Come here. I’ll put it on.”

  Theo didn’t budge. “You can’t give that to me.”

  Irritation had Jessie pinning Theo in place with his stare. “I can and I am. Happy goddamn birthday. Now lean forward and let me put this on you.”

  Theo dutifully leaned forward. While Jessie worked the clasp, Theo’s closeness and warmth sank in. Jessie’s lips touched the shell of Theo’s ear with no permission from Jessie’s brain. “Happy birthday, baby. I hope you like it.”

  Theo lean
ed away and looked down as if checking out the necklace. He wasn’t quick enough, though. Jessie caught sight of the tears in Theo’s eyes before he could hide them. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

  Jessie kissed the top of Theo’s head. “Let’s get dinner.”

  Theo nodded, but he didn’t look up from the necklace. Jessie knew then he had made the right choice. Someone moved by such a small gift deserved that and so much more. Jessie would give him a good life. He would see.

  Theo couldn’t take his eyes off the necklace Jessie gave him. Declan couldn’t take his eyes off Ezra and Jessie was too high to see a thing. By the time they were headed home, Theo asked Declan to drop them off first and then take Ezra home. Otherwise, Theo was scared Jessie would pass out in public and end up on the news. Since Jessie was too out of it to answer, and Declan seemed more than happy to have Ezra to himself, he obliged.

  Once they were home, they didn’t make it past the living room. Jessie kicked off his shoes and started peeling off clothes. “Is it hot? I’m hot.”

  Theo tried keeping him calm. “Maybe you just need some water. I’ll get you some water.”

  Jessie waved off Theo’s suggestion. Instead, he stumbled through the darkened room toward the couch. “I don’t need water. I just need to sit down.”

  On autopilot, Theo followed Jessie to the couch, determined to catch him if he fell. He kept a light tone, trying to hide his worry. “Thank you again for everything tonight. The necklace is beautiful, and I had a great time.”

  Jessie flashed him a smile as he dropped onto the couch. He pulled Theo down beside him and draped his arm over Theo’s shoulders. “You’re good people and good people deserve nice things.”

  Theo shook his head. Jessie was always nice. Since a fucked-up mouth spoke a sober mind, Theo had to believe Jessie was truly kind all the way to his soul. Theo found himself snuggling against Jessie’s side, even though he knew he shouldn’t. Jessie was warm and Theo liked being touched. “You smell good.” Theo sniffed Jessie’s bare chest like a full-on perv. He didn’t care anymore. Pride was out the window. Plus, he didn’t imagine Jessie would remember any of this by morning anyway. He was more fucked up than Theo had ever seen anyone.

  A sexy-sounding chuckle rumbled from Jessie. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You say whatever you’re thinking with no filter. It’s refreshing.”

  “I’m sorry.” Even Theo didn’t know why he was apologizing. No filter sounded a lot like he shouldn’t have said what he said, which was true, but still.

  Jessie touched Theo’s chin and forced Theo to meet his gaze. Despite being out of his head, Jessie’s whiskey eyes looked sober in that moment. “Never apologize for being yourself.” Jessie’s gaze dropped to Theo’s mouth. He traced Theo’s bottom lip with his thumb. “I like you just as you are.” A sardonic smile touched Jessie’s lips. “I’m thirty-four. That’s old enough to be your dad,” he muttered, as if talking to himself. He dropped his hand and looked away.

  An unexpected bark of laughter burst from Theo. “Not really. Unless you started really young.”

  Jessie closed his eyes and dropped his head back against the couch. “You wouldn’t be arguing if you could read my thoughts. I almost kissed you just then. You don’t want that.”

  Theo’s gaze snapped to Jessie’s lips. The instant longing stole the air from his lungs. Before Theo could stop himself, he moved. His lips touched the corner of Jessie’s mouth. His bravery fled the moment his lips met Jessie’s skin. Theo immediately pulled away. “There. Now I’m the guilty one. You don’t need to think about my age any long—” Jessie’s mouth claimed Theo’s, cutting off his words. The desire was instant and crippling. Logically, Theo knew Jessie was high and likely didn’t know what he was doing. Not only would he not remember this, he probably would never kiss Theo sober. In a way, that was freeing. Theo could touch him and kiss him without blushing tomorrow. It was like a free pass. Their tongues stroked. Theo’s cock stirred. Lust had his entire body pulsing. Jessie came at him so hard that Theo half expected to get fucked. Then it was over. Jessie sat up and clasped his head.

  “Damn. The room is spinning.”

  Theo scooted over and urged Jessie down. “Come on, sweetie. Put your head in my lap and close your eyes. It’ll pass. I’ve got you.”

  Doing as told, Jessie curled onto his side with his head on Theo’s lap. Theo ran his fingers through Jessie’s hair over and over until he felt Jessie go limp. Theo held his breath and checked Jessie’s pulse. His heartbeat felt steady. Theo went back to stroking his hair and shoulder. He stole his chance to rub Jessie’s cut bicep. The door opened and Declan stepped inside. He looked their way. Theo flashed the guy a small smile. With a nod, Declan toed off his shoes and locked up. He set the alarm before joining Theo. Theo went back to running his fingers through Jessie’s hair while Declan filled the chair beside him. Declan eyed Jessie, looking worried. Theo flashed him another reassuring smile.

  “He’s still breathing.”

  Declan nodded, as if that was all he needed to know.

  They sat in the silence for several minutes. Theo kept stroking Jessie and tried to work up the nerve to talk to Declan. While Declan was like everyone there—nice—Theo didn’t want to overstep. Unfortunately, his curiosity always got him in trouble and his need to know was already out of control. Theo couldn’t take it anymore.

  “May I ask you something?”

  Declan’s hands lifted and fell. “Don’t ask what he’s on. Something to pick him up. Something else to bring him down. One thing because he can’t sleep and another because he can’t stay awake. One thing to get him through the day. Something else to help him forget. I gave up trying to keep up a long time ago.”

  Theo dropped his gaze to Jessie. He looked so peaceful in Theo’s lap. Theo wasn’t dumb. He knew Jessie wasn’t in a normal sleep. He was unconscious. That was why Theo hadn’t left. He was scared Jessie would stop breathing if he stopped touching him. Theo shook his head as he met Declan’s stare again.

  “I wasn’t going to ask that. Half the guys in my group home were always strung out on something. This is just another night for me. I was wondering how long you’ve been in love with Ezra.”

  To Theo’s surprise, a low rumble of laughter cut through the air. Declan’s eyes swam with humor as he glanced Theo’s way. Theo fully expected a denial to follow. Instead, Declan kept surprising him.

  “Hmm, well. Always, I suppose.” Before Theo could ask, Declan leaned his head back and sighed loudly—like relieved to have the truth off his chest. He eyed Theo for a moment and smiled. “I used to have this dog—Lucifer.” Theo didn’t know what that had to do with anything, but he stayed quiet and listened anyhow. “Lucifer was a huge Rottweiler and aptly named. That dog was Satan when it came to anyone but me. Everyone was scared of him. I worried all the time that Jessie would make me get rid of him. Then Jessie and Ezra’s mom passed away and Ezra moved in here.” Another soft chuckle escaped Declan—like he couldn’t resist whatever memory he saw inside his head.

  “Lucifer and I were both immediately overprotective of him. He looked so angelic and fragile. Lucifer followed Ezra everywhere he went like a lovesick puppy. Ezra bought him a pink tutu to wear and it was like that poofy skirt changed Lucifer’s entire personality. Suddenly, everyone wanted to pet him, and Lucifer ate it up.” Declan’s smile slipped away. “Then, a few years later, Lucifer had a stroke. He lost the ability to swallow, so the vet said the kindest thing I could do would be to put him to sleep. I was devastated. He was my baby. Ezra sat with him so I wouldn’t have to watch Lucifer die, but he wouldn’t be alone. Then he stayed up with me all night so I wouldn’t be alone either. He made sure I ate and never once treated me like I was an idiot for grieving so hard over a pet. Ezra was holding my hand and rubbing my arm. I looked over and it was like all my denials were ripped away. All that overprotectiveness showed its true face.” Declan snorted and shook his head. “It’s not like I’m blind. I’ve always known th
at Ezra is extremely beautiful on the outside.” Declan met and held Theo’s stare. “But that’s nothing compared to how heart-stoppingly gorgeous he is on the inside. I’ve known him all his life. Do you have any idea how completely fucked up that is?”

  Theo lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “Lots of people fall in love with people they’ve known their whole lives. You’re both adults. It’s none of my business, but you should tell him. Not everyone gets lucky enough to find love.”

  Declan snorted. “I’m not the type to burn bridges while I’m fucking living on them. Even if, and this is a big if, even if he said he felt the same, I still work for his brother. His very protective brother who has been more like a father to Ezra. Losing this job, this family I’ve chosen for myself, that’s not an option for me.”

  “So... what? Do you plan to watch Ezra eventually fall in love with someone else and have a life elsewhere?”

  A heartbreaking smile touched Declan’s lips. “That’s exactly what I plan to do.” Declan sat forward and eyed Jessie. “I think he’ll live through the night. He looks peaceful. Would you like me to carry him to bed before he wakes up and pukes in your lap?”

  Theo dropped his gaze to Jessie. His hair was soft. Theo couldn’t stop touching him. He didn’t know how to give up the human contact he craved so much. “No. I’m good. If you take him to bed, I’ll worry about him all night.”

  Declan shook his head and stood. “Good luck to you, then. You’ll never sleep again if you plan to always worry about him.”

  “I thought you cared about him.” The words burst from Theo with no permission from his brain. He didn’t like sounding like a dick, but Declan sounded like he had given up on Jessie.

  A sad smile briefly crossed Declan’s features. He shook his head. “You’re a nice person, Theo. I can tell you already care a lot about Jessie. So it would be cruel for me to be anything less than one hundred percent honest with you. Jessie is fucked up. He has been fucked up for a very long time and he likely isn’t long for this world. Some people—no matter how good they are in their heart—they are only meant to burn bright and hot until they fade away. Jessie is so massively talented that it’s blinding, but he doesn’t know how to be anything else. Just don’t expect too much, okay?”